I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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