i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
