Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
foreskin is a definite game changer
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
