Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
