i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
