Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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