i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
