Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
