I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
