Apparently you make a good broom.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
