sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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