you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
