my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.