1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You're completely useless in the revolution.
My liver just broke up with me...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
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I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
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I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped