dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.