im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
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i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
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My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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