he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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