If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
