i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Semen is not good for contacts.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
