she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
