any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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