So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
