i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
