I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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