I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I wear drunk well.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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