i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
