you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
