so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You are the jesus of drinking
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
