This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
