my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
