There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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