I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
