What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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