your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
This toilet bowl is my home.
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