It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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