Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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