You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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