You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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