I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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