I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
