Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
