Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
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i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
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Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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