Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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