If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
