dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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