WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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