You just made me feel so damn special
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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