I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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