I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
