life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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