I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
