the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
