Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
