remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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