I didn't shave. On purpose
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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