Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
