I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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