when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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