I haven't been this sober since birth.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
